Does He REALLY Love ME?

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. It’s cute when you’re a little girl and you’re picking petals off of flowers. But the giggles and joy disappear when you grow up and the subject of the love you’re questioning is God.

A little memento from that momentous time.

What does it mean that God loves me? What does it look like? Why don’t I FEEL loved? I know He loves everybody, so that doesn’t make me special, does it? Why would He love me?

Something happened to me back in December that I’ve been trying to put into words ever since. Love is often the focus of February and so we’ll start a little series together about that.

I was visiting friends in California during the Advent season. This was a time when I needed to step away from scheduled responsibilities and intentionally focus on my faith, my writing, and my future, without interruptions. I had a few friends praying for me and the phrase I used was, “I want to try to really let God wash over me.” I also made a promise to God to say yes to anything I felt was being directed from Him and to be open to what that might be while also being willing to change my plans and listen to His.

The first night I was there already challenged that promise and resulted in some amazing conversations that never would have happened if left up to me. Instead, those drew me to exactly where I needed to be. The stage was set, and my heart was slowly being prepared for the events coming next.

I was in town specifically to try to connect with God again and work to understand why I have had such a struggle to accept that I am worthy to be called a child of God, why I cannot truly embrace and accept His love. One friend I shared time with had spent many hours striving to remind me that I am a daughter of the King, a sibling to Christ, and a valuable treasure but I simply had not been able to wrap my head around the way He sees me because I am so focused on the thought of not being worthy or valuable. 

Here’s the approximate chain of events leading up to the Advent event. Three days of driving around listening to K-Love with 85% of the songs chiseling at the walls around my heart or breaking me down into tears, one evening of wonderful conversation with a dear couple I love, about 10 hours of intense and difficult real-life kinds of conversations with a few different people, God nudging me with reminders and key themes repeating everywhere, some unexpected detours from God, an amazing Lincoln Brewster Christmas concert, and a big change of plans. I had planned to attend Bayside Church with a friend on Saturday night but instead, Bridgeway Christian Church was where we were headed.

They had just begun their Advent Experience, a room with different stations to walk through at your own pace and focus on the four themes of Advent. I was starving but didn’t want to leave without seeing it. Plus, there was that whole promise to God thing, and this certainly sounded like something He placed in my path.

We intended to stop in for 5-10 minutes as I wanted to soak up all I could at different churches before returning home, and perhaps my friend and I would talk about it a bit over dinner afterward. God clearly had other plans, bigger plans.

I stepped through the door and stopped dead in my tracks about four paces in when I first saw the paintings. They were beautiful, but it wasn’t the artistic skill that I noticed – it was my knees buckling and the breath leaving my body as I focused on Made In His Image and Lavished. My friend had read the sign for the first section, LOVE, and was on the couch reading the detailed information with the artist’s descriptions and stories behind the paintings, Bible verses and a prayer.

After reading through the explanation behind the paintings, in his wisdom he came to get me, stood with me to read the sign, expressed his gratitude for the Love section and suggested I sit down and stay there for a while. I believe his words were, “I couldn’t be more delighted with this” as he showed me the detailed pages, placed them in my hands, put his arm around my shoulder, and guided me to the couches that faced the paintings. I am thankful for that moment. The inability to grasp God’s love for me, the inability to feel God’s love for me – this was the topic of many, almost countless, hours of conversations with him leading up to this night.

God was not only speaking to me here in a language I related to, using creativity, but He drew me in and held me there until I could truly understand His love for me, accept that His love was specific to me, believe that I was the daughter of the King, and actually feel His love and acceptance.

Something changed. The walls I had established around my heart to keep from feeling began to tear down. I started to feel worthy of His love because of who God says I am. The voice inside telling me I wasn’t worthy of love was finally stilled and I quit running from God's love immediately. My life changed that night as I sat with those paintings. I kept seeing myself in her and gradually started to accept that God really does love me that much, to call me His daughter, and I have a family I belong to. By the end of our time there, I was able to slowly say, “He really does love ME that much, too.”

The words with the paintings spoke boldly into my heart. They were a reminder that He knows everything in me and still wants me. Wow. The thought that we can embrace God’s love, accept it, and even enjoy it, was so overwhelming from the Lavished notes. I have spent the last few months talking to some key people in my life, desperate to understand why I don’t seem to have any emotions or feelings, especially when it comes to love FROM God. Then there was the prayer at the bottom of the sheet of paper before me. The tears that were cresting cascaded out.

On Monday I was able to return alone and had the room to myself. I once again was stopped by the paintings and sat with them for quite some time but with more of an appreciation and acceptance of God’s love and not the shock of how He was reaching out to me through them.

As I sat there, I could believe I was the woman and was the daughter of the King. I could see myself in her and knelt beside her, imagining the crown being placed upon my head. I could also stand with the Lavished painting and physically open myself up in a matching pose. I felt like I was worthy to stand there and receive love for perhaps the first time.

You can click on each picture to read the signs and details.

NOTE: If you are ever in the Sacramento/Roseville area, I encourage you to go visit these churches. I am certain they will touch your life and it was a joy to be a part of worship at both of them. You can also find them online.

http://bridgeway.church/
@bridgewaychristian

https://www.baysideonline.com/

@baysidechurch

One More Thing...
I have been blessed to have numerous people surround me and walk me through the process and guide me to the heart of God until I could see His precious love for me. If you struggle to know you are loved by God, please contact me. I will share more of my journey with you and encourage you. I will also share the wisdom I received from those who walked this with me. Don't waste the time like I did trying to figure it out on your own. Please, I'm here...that's why I blog about the tough stuff to go through. My email is below.

Take care, and I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request. You can reach out at loislynnflores@gmail.com

Lois Lynn