Insecure. Invisible. Irrelevant. Idiotic. Imposing. Intrusive. Imbecilic. Injurious. Insipid. Immature. Isolated. Inferior. Inadequate.
I felt all of these “I” words yesterday, with a bit of
residual today. It should have been a very good day, even a bit of a special
one. However, “I” got in the way and instead it turned into a remarkably rotten
one I’d like to forget most of. Have you ever had those? It wasn’t long into
the day’s plans that I started to feel all of the above words and loop them in
my mind, beating myself down. It was as if I was watching through a
kaleidoscope but instead of beautiful images, all I could see were these awful
words hurtling towards me. I wanted the day to end. I wanted to run and never
look back. The only thing that brought a moment of hope was the thought of crawling
under a rock and never having to see or talk to anybody again…especially any of
the people I’d encountered that day. I blew a wonderful opportunity and it will never be recovered.
The worst part is that there wasn’t even a good reason for any of
it, at least I’m trying to believe that. I spent almost 6 hours on the highway
yesterday and most of that involved trying to focus on the road through a
steady stream of tears that wouldn’t stop. Nevermind that the first three hours
also had torrential rain and strong horizontal winds buffeting the car. I should
have turned around and gone back to bed but you know, I’m not sure hiding out would
have made a difference. Maybe I felt these things because of the encounters I had with people and maybe they would have come anyway. I'll never know.
Today, with an ever so slightly clearer head and a lot of
humiliation over how yesterday played out, I noticed that each word started with the
letter “I” and the symbolic nature of that wasn’t lost on me.
I was the one thinking and believing all of these things about me.
I was the one assuming that everybody else I was around thought
these things of me.
I was the one that felt the weight of these labels.
I was the one that wanted to disappear.
I was the one that diminished the value of my day.
I was the one who ruined my day.
Why? Because I let myself get in the way of some really good
things and really great people. Opportunities that I can’t get back and some
that will likely never happen again. I blew it. Learn from my mistakes. Please.
Why would I share such a horribly embarrassing story here? Because
I truly don’t think I’m the only one that does that. If you ever do it, I hope
my story will wake you up so you are kinder to yourself and watch out for
the "I" labels.
Today I was out meandering around stores like HomeGoods, Ross, and
TJ Maxx. Basically, I was hiding from life. If I actually leave the house when I'm feeling this blue and insignificant, it’s what I
do. There was a cute little devotional book that was
badly damaged or I would have considered buying it. Just for fun, I thought I’d see what it
had to say about yesterday. I’ve always found it humorous to check out fortune
cookies, daily devotionals, horoscopes, etc. AFTER the fact to see if anything
lined up.
Still feeling like a worthless and invisible person, I looked up yesterday to see if it matched the catastrophic version I remember. This is what I found. It matched up more with where my heart was for today, not yesterday. It was nice, kind of inspiring but I took a picture and dismissed it. It was hours later when I realized that I had the date wrong and it was actually for TODAY. Yes, it was a direct hit and became the catalyst for this blog post.
Still feeling like a worthless and invisible person, I looked up yesterday to see if it matched the catastrophic version I remember. This is what I found. It matched up more with where my heart was for today, not yesterday. It was nice, kind of inspiring but I took a picture and dismissed it. It was hours later when I realized that I had the date wrong and it was actually for TODAY. Yes, it was a direct hit and became the catalyst for this blog post.
 |
Really warped and damaged...but pretty cool. I think the book was Prayers on Fire. Even damaged, I probably should have bought it. |
My mind was so cluttered, my heart was heavy and my soul was empty. I didn't care. I wanted to wallow there, I wanted to continue to avoid all people and hide until the last of my days. I was tired of feeling all of those things in the list at the top of this post. I figured, "I'll show them - I simply wouldn't need anybody. It would be MY choice to be invisible and then I couldn't be viewed as inferior, intrusive, or irrelevant and certainly not idiotic."
God had other plans. Plans to remind me that I need to stop getting in the way of His hopes and plans for me. He wants me to laugh again and feel freedom. He is the one to bring life and I need to stop throwing out blocks to it.
One More Thing...
If you have recently felt this way, remember that you're not alone. I feel confident that we just lost focus for a while and stared into our own depths a bit too long. Let's lift our heads and go back out into the world and be who we need others to be. Laugh again, please.
If you have recently felt this way, remember that you're not alone. I feel confident that we just lost focus for a while and stared into our own depths a bit too long. Let's lift our heads and go back out into the world and be who we need others to be. Laugh again, please.
Take care, and I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request. You can reach out at loislynnflores@gmail.com
Lois Lynn
