"I" Ruined The Day

Insecure. Invisible. Irrelevant. Idiotic. Imposing. Intrusive. Imbecilic. Injurious. Insipid. Immature. Isolated. Inferior. Inadequate.

I felt all of these “I” words yesterday, with a bit of residual today. It should have been a very good day, even a bit of a special one. However, “I” got in the way and instead it turned into a remarkably rotten one I’d like to forget most of. Have you ever had those? It wasn’t long into the day’s plans that I started to feel all of the above words and loop them in my mind, beating myself down. It was as if I was watching through a kaleidoscope but instead of beautiful images, all I could see were these awful words hurtling towards me. I wanted the day to end. I wanted to run and never look back. The only thing that brought a moment of hope was the thought of crawling under a rock and never having to see or talk to anybody again…especially any of the people I’d encountered that day. I blew a wonderful opportunity and it will never be recovered.

The worst part is that there wasn’t even a good reason for any of it, at least I’m trying to believe that. I spent almost 6 hours on the highway yesterday and most of that involved trying to focus on the road through a steady stream of tears that wouldn’t stop. Nevermind that the first three hours also had torrential rain and strong horizontal winds buffeting the car. I should have turned around and gone back to bed but you know, I’m not sure hiding out would have made a difference. Maybe I felt these things because of the encounters I had with people and maybe they would have come anyway. I'll never know.

Today, with an ever so slightly clearer head and a lot of humiliation over how yesterday played out, I noticed that each word started with the letter “I” and the symbolic nature of that wasn’t lost on me.

I was the one thinking and believing all of these things about me.

I was the one assuming that everybody else I was around thought these things of me.

I was the one that felt the weight of these labels.

I was the one that wanted to disappear.

I was the one that diminished the value of my day.

I was the one who ruined my day.

Why? Because I let myself get in the way of some really good things and really great people. Opportunities that I can’t get back and some that will likely never happen again. I blew it. Learn from my mistakes. Please.

Why would I share such a horribly embarrassing story here? Because I truly don’t think I’m the only one that does that. If you ever do it, I hope my story will wake you up so you are kinder to yourself and watch out for the "I" labels.

Today I was out meandering around stores like HomeGoods, Ross, and TJ Maxx. Basically, I was hiding from life. If I actually leave the house when I'm feeling this blue and insignificant, it’s what I do. There was a cute little devotional book that was badly damaged or I would have considered buying it. Just for fun, I thought I’d see what it had to say about yesterday. I’ve always found it humorous to check out fortune cookies, daily devotionals, horoscopes, etc. AFTER the fact to see if anything lined up.

Still feeling like a worthless and invisible person, I looked up yesterday to see if it matched the catastrophic version I remember. This is what I found. It matched up more with where my heart was for today, not yesterday. It was nice, kind of inspiring but I took a picture and dismissed it. It was hours later when I realized that I had the date wrong and it was actually for TODAY. Yes, it was a direct hit and became the catalyst for this blog post.

Really warped and damaged...but pretty cool. I think the book was 
Prayers on Fire.  Even damaged, I probably should have bought it.

Melancholy - that word rolls nicely around my heart, feeling so welcome and at home there and perfectly described me today. Every care of my life was pressing in, especially all of the "I" weights from yesterday (some that had actually started last week.) 

My mind was so cluttered, my heart was heavy and my soul was empty. I didn't care. I wanted to wallow there, I wanted to continue to avoid all people and hide until the last of my days. I was tired of feeling all of those things in the list at the top of this post. I figured, "I'll show them - I simply wouldn't need anybody. It would be MY choice to be invisible and then I couldn't be viewed as inferior, intrusive, or irrelevant and certainly not idiotic."

God had other plans. Plans to remind me that I need to stop getting in the way of His hopes and plans for me. He wants me to laugh again and feel freedom. He is the one to bring life and I need to stop throwing out blocks to it.

One More Thing...
If you have recently felt this way, remember that you're not alone. I feel confident that we just lost focus for a while and stared into our own depths a bit too long. Let's lift our heads and go back out into the world and be who we need others to be. Laugh again, please.

Take care, and I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request. You can reach out at loislynnflores@gmail.com

Lois Lynn