He loves me. He loves
me not. He loves me. He loves me not. It’s cute when you’re a little girl and
you’re picking petals off of flowers. But the giggles and joy disappear when
you grow up and the subject of the love you’re questioning is God.
 |
| A little memento from that momentous time. |
What does it mean that
God loves me? What does it look like? Why don’t I FEEL loved? I know He loves
everybody, so that doesn’t make me special, does it? Why would He love me?
Something happened to
me back in December that I’ve been trying to put into words ever since. Love is
often the focus of February and so we’ll start a little series together about that.
I was visiting friends
in California during the Advent season. This was a time when I needed to step
away from scheduled responsibilities and intentionally focus on my faith, my
writing, and my future, without interruptions. I had a few friends praying for
me and the phrase I used was, “I want to try to really let God wash over me.” I
also made a promise to God to say yes to anything I felt was being directed
from Him and to be open to what that might be while also being willing to change
my plans and listen to His.
The first night I was
there already challenged that promise and resulted in some amazing
conversations that never would have happened if left up to me. Instead, those
drew me to exactly where I needed to be. The stage was set, and my heart was
slowly being prepared for the events coming next.
I was in town specifically
to try to connect with God again and work to understand why I have had such a
struggle to accept that I am worthy to be called a child of God, why I cannot
truly embrace and accept His love. One friend I shared time with had spent many
hours striving to remind me that I am a daughter of the King, a sibling to
Christ, and a valuable treasure but I simply had not been able to wrap my head
around the way He sees me because I am so focused on the thought of not being
worthy or valuable.
Here’s the approximate
chain of events leading up to the Advent event. Three days of driving around
listening to K-Love with 85% of the songs chiseling at the walls around my
heart or breaking me down into tears, one evening of wonderful conversation
with a dear couple I love, about 10 hours of intense and difficult real-life kinds
of conversations with a few different people, God nudging me with reminders and
key themes repeating everywhere, some unexpected detours from God, an amazing
Lincoln Brewster Christmas concert, and a big change of plans. I had planned to
attend Bayside Church with a friend on Saturday night but instead, Bridgeway
Christian Church was where we were headed.
They had just begun
their Advent Experience, a room with different stations to walk through at your
own pace and focus on the four themes of Advent. I was starving but didn’t want
to leave without seeing it. Plus, there was that whole promise to God thing,
and this certainly sounded like something He placed in my path.
We intended to stop in
for 5-10 minutes as I wanted to soak up all I could at different churches
before returning home, and perhaps my friend and I would talk about it a bit
over dinner afterward. God clearly had other plans, bigger plans.
I stepped through the
door and stopped dead in my tracks about four paces in when I first saw the
paintings. They were beautiful, but it wasn’t the artistic skill that I noticed
– it was my knees buckling and the breath leaving my body as I focused on Made
In His Image and Lavished. My friend had read the sign for the first section, LOVE, and was on the couch reading the detailed information with
the artist’s descriptions and stories behind the paintings, Bible verses and a
prayer.
After reading through
the explanation behind the paintings, in his wisdom he came to get me, stood
with me to read the sign, expressed his gratitude for the Love section and
suggested I sit down and stay there for a while. I believe his words were, “I
couldn’t be more delighted with this” as he showed me the detailed pages, placed them in
my hands, put his arm around my shoulder, and guided me to the couches that
faced the paintings. I am thankful for that moment. The inability to grasp
God’s love for me, the inability to feel God’s love for me – this was
the topic of many, almost countless, hours of conversations with him leading up
to this night.
God was not only speaking
to me here in a language I related to, using creativity, but He drew me in and held
me there until I could truly understand His love for me, accept that His love
was specific to me, believe that I was the daughter of the King, and actually feel
His love and acceptance.
Something changed. The walls I had established around my heart to keep from
feeling began to tear down. I started to feel worthy of His love because of who God says I am. The voice inside telling me I wasn’t worthy of love was finally stilled and I quit running
from God's love immediately. My life changed that night as I sat with those paintings. I kept
seeing myself in her and gradually started to accept that God really does love
me that much, to call me His daughter, and I have a family I belong to. By the end
of our time there, I was able to slowly say, “He really does love ME that much,
too.”
The words with the
paintings spoke boldly into my heart. They were a reminder that He knows everything in
me and still wants me. Wow. The thought that we can embrace God’s love, accept
it, and even enjoy it, was so overwhelming from the Lavished notes. I have spent
the last few months talking to some key people in my life, desperate to
understand why I don’t seem to have any emotions or feelings, especially when
it comes to love FROM God. Then there was the prayer at the bottom of the sheet
of paper before me. The tears that were cresting cascaded out.
On Monday I was able
to return alone and had the room to myself. I once again was stopped by the
paintings and sat with them for quite some time but with more of an
appreciation and acceptance of God’s love and not the shock of how He was
reaching out to me through them.
As I sat there, I
could believe I was the woman and was the daughter of the King. I could see
myself in her and knelt beside her, imagining the crown being placed upon my
head. I could also stand with the Lavished painting and physically open myself
up in a matching pose. I felt like I was worthy to stand there and receive love
for perhaps the first time.
You can click on each picture to read the signs and details.
NOTE: If you are ever
in the Sacramento/Roseville area, I encourage you to go visit these churches. I am
certain they will touch your life and it was a joy to be a part of worship at
both of them. You can also find them online.
http://bridgeway.church/
@bridgewaychristian
https://www.baysideonline.com/
@baysidechurch
One More Thing...
I have been blessed to have numerous people surround me and walk me through the process and guide me to the heart of God until I could see His precious love for me. If you struggle to know you are loved by God, please contact me. I will share more of my journey with you and encourage you. I will also share the wisdom I received from those who walked this with me. Don't waste the time like I did trying to figure it out on your own. Please, I'm here...that's why I blog about the tough stuff to go through. My email is below.
Take care, and I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request. You can reach out at loislynnflores@gmail.com
Lois Lynn
