Dwell

I am participating in an online writing course where we were challenged to write about one word. I selected "dwell" since the discussion was about dwelling at home during this pandemic crisis. Originally this was only for the class, but I thought it might help someone out there, so here you go.

"We are living in historical times, but not unprecedented." I borrowed that from a friend. It is absolutely a time that will become a part of future history books. Our world has endured, survived, and eventually thrived through several similar seasons of crisis in one form or another. Hope has sustained some while others lost that hope and many lost their lives.

I live in a state that has asked us to stay home, in our dwellings, with the only exception being emergencies and essentials like groceries and immediate medical care. Whether you agree with the process and the politicians or not, I do believe we are to respect our authorities and I also distrust this entire virus attack and so we have remained home and taken it seriously to do our part. I am involved in a ministry to first responders that doesn’t allow me to completely stay in, but we have been able to schedule changes minimizing our ventures beyond our walls.

Our dwelling is small, some would say cozy. While we do not have a glorious ocean or mountain view, we are blessed to be on a corner lot so at least we have an extended view for two blocks, one in each direction. The house immediately across the street from us has a fantastic banner across it, handmade by their daughters. It is vibrant and encouraging to all who walk by with the powerful reminder to “Hang In There” and you can hardly keep count of the people who stop and photograph it.

This little dwelling of ours now accommodates my husband working from home, joining myself and our little dog, the only one who had previously mastered this home all-day lifestyle. I have some creative endeavors, an author I handle the self-publishing and technical aspects for, encouragement projects, and some other carefully selected clients I provide support to. Our fur-boy is on the clock as a diligent notifier of all things on the street, sidewalk, or in the air, and he gets double pay for protecting us from that most dreaded enemy of all, the mail carrier.

While I adjusted to being told to stay home, I found that the three of us were not the only ones dwelling here. The first few weeks, my husband was still working at his essential job in the office, but I wasn’t home alone. I was surrounded by many emotions, feelings, doubts, questions, and thoughts. I was organizing and downsizing our possessions, like many of us were but I kept discovering boxes I’d tucked away filled with so many old thoughts, fears, and out-and-out lies. There were thoughts I believed I had tossed out years ago and some I was certain I considered but had never let come in the door. Much like the virus, I guess they were able to attach and survive.

In the first weeks alone, I found myself dwelling on those old negative thoughts. My life had been on an upswing until then. I had a vision for my business and already had my first new client for senior computer assistance. My test run was just about to begin for helping to encourage others to fulfill their dreams and goals. I have some new, amazing people in my life, and there was forward momentum in many areas. 

Just like that, with one order to remain home, I lost my awareness of my purpose and started to dwell on those dusty old thoughts and fears I had found. I think I actually believed them to be my friends. They were familiar and that brought a false sense of comfort.

“You don’t really matter to anybody.”

“You are insignificant. Nobody cares how you’re doing.”

“I bet you couldn’t even hold a retail clerk job.”

“You don’t have any marketable skills.”

“You’ll never fulfill your dreams or change the world.”

“You’re not smart enough to learn anything new.”

These are only a handful of what I found hiding, but in my time alone all day, they became what I dwelled upon. I found myself crawling out of bed later and later each day. It took all my strength to shower and get dressed in the same clothes as the day before. There was no point in doing anything to my hair because there was nobody to see and nowhere to go. After exerting so much effort dwelling on those things, I couldn’t find the strength to prepare food so most days my first meal would come out of desperation at about 4 pm when the pain from hunger would finally outweigh my weakness. However, it usually consisted of a nibble from the brownies we’d made, followed by a couple of crackers or chips.

At this point, I finally had enough energy to shift from dwelling on all of those “you don’t matter” thoughts. There was a new problem waiting for me at that time each day. I would then choose to dwell on all the things I could have done with my day and focus on how I wasted it instead. I had several online training courses I wanted to be doing, I had a creative photography project to work on, I had writing to do, social media accounts to organize and update, paintings to paint, furniture to refinish, and home projects that could fill a year of quarantine. But instead, I chose to dwell on all the shortcomings and disappointments.

I have some remarkable people around me that can help when I am dwelling on the wrong things, but I didn’t reach out. I isolated myself from all things that were good for me and I withdrew into the walls of my home and the walls I reinstalled around my heart, soul, and mind. I knew that going for a walk would help clear the mind and rejuvenate my body. I had strong encouragement from a friend to do this and yet I had several days when my Fitbit didn’t even see four digits in the step count.

My reliable trick for changing what I dwell on wasn’t available due to social distancing. I needed to be in the car, sunroof open, all four windows down, stereo cranked to where you feel the beat through the steering wheel. Ideally, this would be while en route to the beach but I would have driven in any direction just to clear my thoughts and lift my spirits. I also needed a hug. I needed a lot of hugs. Even a deep gaze into someone’s eyes, someone that could talk me out of my emotionally empty and sad dwelling place. A simple conversation to draw me back into the real world would have been powerful. This could not happen and there was no date on my calendar to count down toward.

For now, I remain within the four walls of my physical dwelling, where I am safe. There are still projects that await me and a few new ones that have developed while waiting. I am more likely to maintain or clean out my physical dwelling place, but the priority needs to shift to changing what I dwell upon, while I dwell inside my home. My heart needs to be safe from what I dwell upon just as my body, within the dwelling of my home is safe from the outside.