The Last Night

Most of us will never know what day will be our last day of life. I’ve always found songs like “Live Like You’re Dying” to be a powerful call to live life fully, but I often get lost in reality and forget to live out the lyrics I was just singing heartily. 

One year ago today, my mom didn’t know she was hours away from the sudden beginning of the end. All who knew her went to bed believing it was like any other night. It wasn’t. We discovered that the following morning, when I received a voicemail I can't forget. I continue to replay it in my mind regularly.

Today, as I was preparing myself for the next three days of “last first anniversaries” of the series of events that ended with her leaving us, it never occurred to me that today, the day before, would be such a difficult day. I had not anticipated, and therefore had not planned for, the anniversary of the last day she was alive. While a tragic memory, it felt like a day to be celebrated, unlike the next three days that will be remembered, but grieved.

What did she do that day? Did she have her usual breakfast, including the “Mom bacon” also known as bacon that would break carpet if you dropped it? I assume she went to Casey’s, but maybe she had a sleepy morning and didn’t go into town. Did she watch anything on television or go for a walk around the property? I don’t know. The questions that I was suddenly obsessed with will go unanswered.

I DO know she sat in her favorite chair and stared at her beloved tree, full of bright red leaves. I know she talked to the cat and gave her lots of treats and attention. I know Dad cooked a delicious meal for her, and I know she felt loved. I know this because it was part of each day these last several years. There’s a high probability that her day included Ritz crackers and peanut butter, popsicles, and hot cocoa or tea. Her day wouldn’t have been a sad one, nor filled with stress and worry.

This morning, in the middle of a project, that haunting realization came to me that today was the anniversary of her last day of fully living. Any given day could be my last day…or yours. I chose to find a way to honor her by doing something she would have encouraged me to do. Nothing grand, just something she would have replied with “Go do it, what’s stopping you?”

What would Mom want for me? She would want to make me laugh or put a smile on my face. That’s what she wanted for everyone she met, but maybe a bit more for me. She would want to spoil me with something I refused to spend money on myself for. It was too late in the day to make a grand gesture like going on a road trip or baking one of our favorite foods.

As I was pondering dining on one of her favorite foods, a friend called out of the blue and invited me to lunch. I’d been crying for hours and needed to do something to remember Mom; I just didn’t know what, but I said “yes” to my friend as God’s been putting that concept on my heart a lot more lately. He’s even been reinforcing it with new friends who remind me of this unknowingly. (A year ago, I spoke at a women’s retreat on the very topic of saying “yes” to God.)

A few hours later, with a full tummy and heart from time with my dear friend, I had a plan. It was a small thing, but it was a very Mom thing.

I made a quick loop around the fall trees, pausing to remember all of the awe she expressed every autumn. I grabbed this quick photo, but didn't see the bird until I uploaded it here. There's some symbolism there for so many, and it warmed my heart to see it.

I knew what my next step was going to be.

There is a favorite cake I’ve wanted for my birthday for the past five years, but I would never spend the money on myself and buy it. Today, I could almost hear Mom say, “Sometimes, you just have to eat cake!” Full disclosure, Mom was not one to use bad language, but I know she would have said, “Go buy the damn cake!”  while she grinned from ear to ear.

So I did. It was one of the best cakes I’ve ever tasted. It was rich and creamy. It made me feel special. Just like she would have wanted for me today, and every day.

Tomorrow will be another difficult and emotional day, but I have leftover cake to carry me through the next three heartbreaking days. If you don’t hear from me, it’s because my mouth is full of chocolatey, creamy, decadent cake.

One More Thing...

What would you do if you knew today was going to be your last day?

Take care, and remember, I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request.

Lois Lynn

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Next Time

Like many others, I watched the Pearson family share their lives with the world in the television show This Is Us. I'm currently watching the last two seasons wrap up, and it's hitting me harder since I recently lost my mom. It's always been an emotional show, but my mom lived with dementia for many years, so this is tough to watch unfold.

One clip that resonated with me was when Rebecca went to the Metropolitan Art Museum with her adult sons, Kevin and Randall. She shared a story about her childhood visit and a plan she made for the next time she came to visit. That went unfulfilled for decades, before this timely visit.

As she reflected on her life, she used phrases like:

"Always in a rush, next time."

"Next time I'll go."

"My life has been full of next times. Things I always assumed I would get to eventually"

"Now I realize I'm running out of time to do them."

She spoke for all of us. Our time IS running out, and we probably all have a "Next Times" list that might like some of our attention. 

What are some things you told yourself you'd say next time you visit someone? 

What are the next time activities you told yourself you'd do? 

Is there a favorite food you won't treat yourself to, and put it off until next time?

I spent years living with several, but in the last 6 months, with the loss of several special people in my life, there will be no next time for these.

Next time I go visit my parents, I'm going to ask Mom about _______________________.

Next time I see Mom, I'll share the stories of the annual Christmas stockings she made for us to be sure I have all of the details correct, so I can write the book about them. (It was going to be her Christmas present, but I waited one too many times for next time.)

Next time I visit my hometown, I'm going to visit _______________________.

Don't get me wrong, our "Next Time" list should always be there, but it should be dwindling as we complete things on it. This is better than a bucket list if we start crossing things off without adding new ones!

What is on your list? How long has it been there? Why is it still on the list?

What is one item from your "Next Time" list that you can do before it's too late?

 One More Thing...

Find a quiet moment to watch this video excerpt, grab your calendar, and pick a date to do one of your next things. I'd love to hear what you're going to do!

Take care, and remember, I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request.

Lois Lynn

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Don't Die While Alive

Three years ago today was more than Tax Day or Good Friday. It was when I became cancer-free. However, I didn’t realize it until the test results confirmed the news almost two weeks later. I had a hysterectomy due to the high likelihood of endometrial cancer. For the weeks following surgery, I had only one job: to recover physically and not worry about the pending lab work or potential treatment plan. Easier said than done.

My life forever changed that day, and I’m grateful for it. Several milestone moments can and should change us. Cancer is most certainly one of those. The past three years have been full of significant events, making life difficult and stressful.

Since October 31, 2024, there have been so many that I can’t keep track of them all. Nor do I want to. It began with the phone call adult children know will come someday but simultaneously assume will never come.

My mom died. We weren’t ready, and it was completely unexpected. My world shattered, but the world did not. I’m still mad about it.

The loss of a parent is another life event that brings great change. I know it did for me and many I’ve spoken to. Professionals tell us not to make significant decisions in the first year after a deep loss. They don’t tell you that sometimes you’re forced to because life doesn’t wait for you to start living again.

As I write this, we are neck-deep in a home-repair issue beyond our ability to manage, which has removed access to half of our home. Additionally, I’ve been in great physical pain with no choice but to press on moving heavy furniture and the contents of an office and craft space, some of it up a short stairwell. This last weekend, I could no longer lift my left foot up to climb the stairs or get off the floor without assistance.

We are trying to sell our car to pay for repairs on the newer one we got, and it just threw a code, so we cannot sell it to most people without repairing it first. Ugh. Someone tried to break into the canopy on our truck, damaging the lock, so we can’t access the carpet in the bed, that “might” help with a small part of the basement problem. Ugh. I could continue the list, but I’ll spare you the full knowledge. The dog goes in for his annual exam next week, and let’s say I’m more than a bit anxious due to the way things are going.

How does this long list of attacks tie into celebrating the day I became cancer-free?

Because I let life’s hardest moments remind me that even when I believe I am alone, God’s here, wrapping His arms around me. I don’t feel that for the first bit while I react and crumble. Several of these happened when I stopped my day, spoke quietly with God, apologized for not living out what I believe He created me to be doing, and renewed my dedication. BAM…car threw the code! BAM…water leak! BAM…furnace stopped again! I’m scared to say “yes” to God again, but I did promise Him I’d write, so here I am.

I panic, I cry, and then I trust God again. God has not provided assistance with the basement, but you know what? We have spent more time together the last two weeks while working on moving half of everything we own. The car is unsold, but maybe the right person isn’t ready for it, and it will be there when they are. I don’t know God’s plans, but I’m trying to stop forcing my plans – it’s not going so great.

Today, the day of celebration, started with uncontrollable sobbing that left me gasping for breath, as leftover mucous from double pneumonia began sliding down my cheeks and throat. I didn’t care. I knew today was special, but I had watched a streaming show about cancer and death (Please don’t ask me why I did that!) and watching the loss of my tv “friend” ripped everything wide open, allowing my soul to bleed out on the floor of the shower like Niagara Falls. 

The hospice nurse shared a description of what death looks like. I watched her curl up in her mom's arms as they cried together, knowing I could not do that when life gets hard. Eventually, I watched the actor take her last breath – it was all exactly like the final moments with Mom, a death I had yet to grieve much at all, and here I was, watching what I lived as if I were a visitor to the television hospital. 

Then came the tears for being a cancer survivor and the realization that I could have died. More tears for so many friends who have died recently and others who have cancer battles or are now a motherless or fatherless adult child.

I wondered if I should become a hospice assistant or a death doula. I wondered why I was not doing the very things I believed God wanted me to do. I did more searches for houses for sale. I made a decision to move far away and not tell anyone I was leaving. I considered taking up rum. I banged on my Djembe drum and slammed my Dammit Doll a friend gave me while slowly losing all energy to remain upright.

I walked outside. I wailed until I couldn’t breathe. I scared my dog. I gave up. I found my resolve. I quit. I found my determination to survive. I applied cold compresses to my eyes as the tears finally subsided enough, and the headache moved in with only minutes to spare until I would be face-to-face with a friend who could read my emotions even without the purple-rimmed swollen eyelids.

Two months ago, I helped a friend build his website to launch his new mobile massage business. In exchange, I received a deeply needed massage this morning to start a day of celebration and contemplation. (On a side note, I can now climb up the stairs without effort – this guy is fantastic if you need some deep tissue work in the East Portland corridor – bonus that he comes to you!)   ThorsTouch.com

I was exhausted by the time Thor came to my rescue with the massage that would bring me physical relief and an emotional positivity that rubs off and reminds me that life will be okay again. We didn’t even talk about what was on my mind; we didn’t need to. I don’t have many people around me these days, but I’m quite selective of who I allow near enough to influence me. I no longer listen to the crowd, and that came from having some life-altering events, so I am thankful for those, even the ones that hurt.

Your priorities shift. Your desires change. Your understanding of what is truly important is clarified. Things in this world have less and less influence on you when you start going through these moments. I went to church Sunday for the first time in six months, and the sermon even touched on not being a part of the world. I believe we can use our hard things to help us with that. I am confident that God uses them to draw us closer to Him. Maybe that’s why our circles get smaller as we age and probably part of why we suddenly want to dispose of most of the objects we own. Nothing matters like it used to.

It’s similar to the rally that can come during the dying process. If you get that chance, enjoy the rally before you die.

Enjoy soul-purging before life kills your spirit. Don’t die while you’re alive.

 

 

 One More Thing...

Celebrate your milestones. Make the changes in your life that are good for you. Don't lose your people.

Take care, and remember, I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request.

Lois Lynn

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Wilted Flowers

Today marks the 3-month anniversary of one of the most life-altering events I could never be prepared for. One quarter of a year has passed but it feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago, with each day bathed in tears.

Many of you reading this know me personally, yet may not be aware that my mom died unexpectedly on November 2, 2024. She suffered a massive brain bleed and never regained consciousness. She was essentially gone in an instant, without warning, taking with her the chance to ask questions that would forever go unanswered, or have one last conversation.

Our “goodbye” and “I love you” whispers were only for us to hear. She physically left this world sixty-one agonizing hours later.

I’ve spent the past three months thinking I would write a blog series on grief, love, and life with a focus on parental loss. I considered paying tribute to Mom using my words and sharing more about her with my subscribers, friends, and followers…but I can’t. I am not ready.

Instead, as this writer struggles to find words, I will focus on remembering to breathe. Someday, I’ll share some of what I’m learning and tell you all about her.

For now, know that God uses us in mysterious ways. Six weeks after Mom died, I was holding the hand of a former pastor as he was about to pass from the exact same thing. God had prepared me to serve others. My heart wasn’t ready, I had yet to accept completely that my one and only mom would never have another word to say to me, but I was oddly prepared to help others even while grieving. I think Mom would have appreciated that.

In these three months, at least five people I know, or who are known by my friends, have had fatal brain bleeds and two others have lost parents. I don’t know what God has planned for me, but I’m starting to see a path with possibilities I never considered.

The series about Mom, death, grieving, and living, will come, but not yet.

I will tell you all about her, but not yet.

Her last flowers died long ago but I couldn't bear to discard them. Her obituary was being written and revised by Dad, but now it's completed. 

These final steps make it a little more real. She didn't want a memorial service, but we'll be hosting the party she wanted in early summer. Until then, I'm not letting go. I haven't found time for my own grief yet.

My dad wrote some of the most difficult words he’s ever had to. I’m so proud of him. The photos scroll through four assorted pictures, reflecting different stages of her life. Please visit her page, Dad shared some great words and some things Mom would tell you if she were here.

Many of you knew her, most of you know me, and a few only know my writing. Mom, you will forever be a part of who I am...that's just how things work!

https://www.pearsonsroseburg.com/obituaries/sharon-ingold

Puppy Love

One More Thing...

Cherish every moment. Be kind. Love the hurting. Time is nothing if you don't use it well.

Take care, and remember, I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request.

Lois Lynn

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Time to "Graduate"

 

Author vs. Writer

These words may convey the same thing to you, but I struggled with identifying myself as an author until my book was officially released. I could accept the role of writer, but "Author" sounded so official, like something professionals do, who are paid to do it. It's time for me to move the tassel, much like a graduate would, as I am now a published author.

Oh, did you see that? You may have missed it. 

MY FIRST BOOK

IS AVAILABLE NOW.

You probably did miss this news because I believed I needed things to be perfect before I told the world. I wanted to have the print book available, and an ebook option for my digital readers.

The print book was released quietly in May 2023, and I expected to finish the digital update within the month and announce both together. Long story short, the ebook posed a battle that took two of us almost a year. We JUST released it last month.

In keeping with my previous post about celebrating, I want to share the celebration my friend Lisa and I enjoyed when the final upload was done. I keep saying "we" but she did 98.8% of the work and this book wouldn't be available in Kindle format without her. (Ask me for a referral!)

This beautiful woman believed in me and my words and wanted to help reach more people so others might be encouraged. Thank you, Lisa, I'm so grateful God brought our lives together.

There were tacos!

(Of course there were.)

Hard work deserves a smile of accomplishment.

It also deserves a little "aaahhh" stress relief.

And finally...a sales poster, right? She'd make a great model on The Price is Right.

Speaking of price. Are you dying to know how to get a copy of my book? Let me help you out here.

The easiest way is to follow this link to my website and discover the book, read reviews, and explore a few other things there.

https://loisflores.com

• Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and most online retailers sell the print book for $15.99

• Amazon has the ebook version for $9.99 with an INTRO SALE FOR $7.99 through June 13th for Fremont's birthday

• If you're local, you can order directly from me for $13 through midnight June 9th. You will need to prepay, and they take about 2 weeks to arrive. You can pick them up from me at my home the following week.

To read the first chapter for free, see the back cover, and read the online description, follow the link below to Amazon. I hope this book resonates with you. Have fun making a list of those you want to gift it to! 

Click here for the Amazon link:

NOTE: As an Amazon Associate I may earn from qualifying purchases.

Contact me directly for quantity purchases for gifts or a book club.

One More Thing...

Thank you for your kind words through the years.

Take care, and remember, I'm always here to pray for you if you have a need or request.

Lois Lynn

NOTE: If you are the first person to comment, you must click on "No Comments"